Getting To “No” You
“The person who seeks all their applause from outside has their happiness in another’s keeping.”
– Claudius Claudianus
Once, when I was conducting a relationship class, I gave a homework assignment to each participant which required them to commit to living one full week with a strict willingness to communicate precisely what they were thinking and feeling to those with whom they had any contact. This included family, friends and even strangers. What I discovered was that many people are challenged by their ability to be completely honest and transparent in saying what they truly think to others. They are deeply conflicted between what they truly think and their desire (need) to not risk the disapproval of others.
One young woman named Linda came back the next week and shared how she could really identify her need for approval and acceptance from others when she denied a request from a close friend. She reported that although it was initially uncomfortable, it turned out to be the most liberating experience she had ever known. Linda realized she had allowed herself to be held hostage in every relationship she ever had been in because she was addicted to the approval of others; her ability say “no” was MIA.
Buddha taught that attachment is at the root of all suffering. I wonder how many of us allow ourselves to suffer, being held in emotional bondage (or better said, emotional blackmail) by others, not because of their demands, but because of our own attachment to being loved and fear of rejection or disapproval to a point where we couldn’t say “no.” Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “The only sin that we never forgive in each other is a difference in opinion.” William Penn said it even more succinctly; “There can be no friendship where there is no freedom. Friendship loves free air, and will not be fenced up in straight and narrow enclosures.”
With Valentine’s Day this month, love is in the air and it’s a good time to look at your relationship IQ.
Are you free to have a difference of opinion with others and express it without fear? Could you say “no” without the fear of upsetting others? And, equally, do you offer them the same freedom to say no to you without sending them on a guilt trip? If the very thought of that type of encounter makes your pulse race, perhaps it’s time to explore your ability to get to “no” others better.
Where do you start? Work at becoming comfortable in knowing that beyond your egoic self (which thrives on approval from others) there lies within you the sacred presence of an Infinite power acting as your “soul” authority. While Spirit always operates with unconditional love, it never seeks approval from others. Often, saying no can be the most loving thing you can do for others and yourself. When you conduct your life with self-awareness, you’ll know that saying no to someone requires no need to apologize, sell or justify your position. Mindfully and calmly explain you are not rejecting them, only their request.
The Take-Away When someone makes a request of you that does not find an authentic “yes” in your heart, simply breathe deeply and invite a conscious awareness of the Spirit within to speak for you. Let your words be filtered through that Presence and you will discover the power and grace to say “no” in a way that is kind, loving and unquestionably clear. Let nothing be incomplete in your communications today and notice how free you feel.
Peace, Dennis Merritt Jones, DD